kpduty

Me: "The part of the film that betrayed all that is good and holy was when Hugh Jackman turned back into a human from being a werewolf and his pants were still on."

Yes, Van Helsing is bitten by a werewolf. You pretty much know going in that Dracula can only be killed by a werewolf, which is stupid because if he can be killed like that, then how the hell does Van Helsing's descendent Abraham go after him in the book? But ignoring that, I doubt I'm spoiling anything for you because you literally know like 15 minutes into the movie that's what痴 going to happen, because one of the main characters, who is also a vampire hunter, gets bitten and I was for a second thinking he was going to kill Dracula but then I realized I was watching a Hollywood movie and the death of Dracula surely had to involve that scene in the trailer where Hugh Jackman takes his shirt off, and sure enough it does. But not his pants. Which I've already mentioned is a crime.

So anyway, the movie, which already requires quite a suspension of disbelief, then asks us to remove whatever brains we may have left and drop them into our popcorn tubs. Kate Beckinsdale, who has survived all manner of falling from three story buildings, falling from tall trees and hitting very large branches on the way down, being dropped from great heights by flying vampires, etc, etc, etc, dies when Hugh Jackman's werewolf sits on her.

He sits on her.

Let me stress this again. He sits on her, and he kills her. But she of course in her last dying act gives him the werewolf antidote, so he's fine, and also still wearing his pants. And he just killed the love of his life that he knew for all of like two days by sitting on her. Maybe he farted on her, too; they don't really get into it.

So then Eddy and I, after I snort, turn to each other and exclaim, OH NO THEY ARE SO NOT GOING THERE!!! But then they do, for the next scene spliced into the movie is the end of return of the jedi. Hugh Jackman is cremating Darth Vader next to the beautiful sea, because during the one solitary moment of calm in the whole film Vader for absolutely no reason whatsoever very gravely told Hugh she'd never been to the sea, what with fighting Dracula and all that. Apparently though she and her family weren't REALLY fighting Dracula because he only killed like one or two people a month. Or so the town mortician said. BUT ANYWHOO, Hugh cremates Kate, and then Eddy and I again turn to one another and exclaim, OH MY GOD THEY ARE SO NOT ALSO GOING TO GO THERE TOO, knowing full well they were, and sure enough Vader appears among the clouds with Yoda and Ben and her whole family who are all in Heaven having unsuccessfully battled Dracula even though he apparently wasn't that bad of a guy. What with only killing two people a month.

So Eddy and I left the theater, giggling insanely and saying LUKE, SIMBA, THIS IS CNN over and over and over. Maybe I'm getting old; maybe wasting $8.50 a ticket is getting to be too much. GO SEE PUNISHER instead. That movie KICKS ASS.

--kelmeister

(on edit: a friend writes, "that movie made 52 million opening wknd!! how is that possible?" my only answer: america's on crack. and they all thought they'd see hugh jackman without pants. at least, that's what i thought, and you know how that turned out.)