kpduty

Jen, our Ticket Hook-Up who works for an Evil Entertainment Conglomerate that we conveniently forget she works for when she scams us free tickets, hooked us up with tickets to the premiere of Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. See, Columbus is the home of White Castle, hence the lame marketing tie-in. But hey, free movie. We (being me, that is Kelmeister, and my droogs: Nala, Giga, the Fab Jen and Vijay) were supposed to be in line at the theater to get in by the absolute cut-off of DOORS CLOSE AT 6:45, but of course we were running late and we got there at a little after six and the line was huge and although I was trying to pretend I was way cooler than I actually am I was secretly peeing a little in my pants at the thought that we'd missed our chance. So as we made fun of all the people way overdressed for a Columbus premiere of Harold and Kumar go to White Castle (like, Harold and Kumar are TOTALLY going to see you in the theater in that tiny sun dress and think you are so hot and want to have sex with you and take you to Hollywood were you'll TOTALLY meet Brad Pitt at a party and dump Harold and Kumar and break up Brad's marriage to Jennifer and you and Brad will live Happily Evah After. Seriously, I gave up those fantasies when I turned 30. Duh.) as I stood there doing a little Pee Dance.

There were ferocious security guards there yelling for people to leave their cell phones in their cars, for fear that someone would illegally record and/or broadcast Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. Because I know that personally, were I to spend 24 hours illegally downloading a film from the Internet over my dial-up line, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle would be the movie I'd pick.

Anyway, after listening to a Local Radio Personality babble unintelligibly over a loud-speaker for over a half hour, we FINALLY made it to the doors, where we were practically strip searched and then led to a table of bags full o' White Castles. I, being a vegetarian, walked on by, but was quickly admonished by my companions for ONLY THINKING ABOUT MYSELF and GO BACK AND GET YOUR BAG AND GIVE IT TO US. Between the four of them I guesstimate that they consumed at least two dozen White Castles. Nala had nine. I gravely warned them of the dangers of contracting explosive diarrhea, but like Cassandra, I was ignored.

After the crowd had gorged themselves, the stars of the film graced us with their presence to say a few words about THIS MOVIE WAS AWESOME TO WORK ON and WE HOPE YOU ENJOY WATCHING IT AS MUCH AS WE ENJOYED MAKING IT. John Cho and Kal Penn are very short. Although I was sitting down so my perception may have been skewed. Also, I am left wondering if I found them attractive in real life. Kal Penn is a total hottie in the movie, but I don't think I was really paying much attention when they were right in front of me because I was suddenly stuck by the thought, "What does this meeting mean in terms of six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon," and I was so preoccupied with trying to figure that one out that I spaced and then missed quite a bit until the movie started.

You know, premieres don't have previews. Someone should do something about this.

From the director of Dude, Where's My Car, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle is the first film by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg and basically involves the misadventures of Harold and Kumar as they get totally stoned and try to find some food. Their quest for White Castle is precipitated by food porn on the teevee in the form of a White Castle commercial. By the end of the film it becomes more about succeeding in the quest than actually eating, but they do gorge themselves much as everyone in the audience did. So stuff happens in between, and there's pooping, and more pot, and Neil Patrick Harris undulating erotically. And in the end Harold and Kumar learn that IT IS WHAT'S INSIDE THAT COUNTS and IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING and IF YOU SMOKE ENOUGH POT WHITE CASTLE DOES NOT CAUSE SEVERE INTESTINAL DISTRESS. Seriously, I would have thought the last scene would have been them fighting over a roll of toilet paper, but that's just me. Maybe when I write my Oscar Winning Teen Film that REDEFINES A GENERATION and TEACHES CHILDREN THE VALUE OF PROTECTING YOUR VIRGINITY UNTIL MARRIAGE I'll include that scene.

Actually, I don't mean to sound harsh, because I actually enjoyed this movie a lot. I laughed more than I have during a film in quite a while. I haven't seen Dude, Where's My Car (which they reference here, cleverly), so I can't compare stories and scripts and such, but I get the sense that Harold and Kumar are far more intelligent than the Seann William Scott and Ashton Kutcher characters, which is a good thing. And as I said before, John Cho and Kal Penn are good-looking, likeable actors with a ton of chemistry. The story's pretty goofy with a menagerie of crazy characters, but it's really the relationship between Cho and Penn that carries the movie. They're a delight to watch, and as Nala said afterwards, someone should seriously consider some sequels: road movies a la Hope and Crosby. Which is actually a pretty awesome idea.

So who'da thunk that a piece of crap stoners movie would kick more ass than Van Helsing? This will one day be in heavy rotation on Comedy Central, but for a night out you could do way worse (like Van Helsing).

--kelmeister

P.S. Cho and Penn were in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle with Christopher Meloni who was in Wet Hot American Summer with David Hyde Pierce who was on Fraiser with Laura Linney who was in Mystic River with Kevin Bacon.

Although you could also go through Fred Willard, who was in Waiting for Guffman with Christopher Guest, who was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon.

I could have cured cancer with this brain, once...