kpduty

But as I was saying, I have no right to talk about people. Why, just this afternoon as we drove to the theater, we were behind a car with an Enterprise Car Rental sticker on the bumper, and I thought back longingly to the days when I wanted a Lariat Car Rental company bumper sticker for my car.

Never heard of Lariat? That's strange...because Lariat was the company Mulder and Scully always rented cars from when they were off on cases.

See. I can't talk about people.

HOWEVER, there was a group of people outside the theater after SPIDER MAN 2: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK discussing myriad ways the plot diverged from the comic continuity. "I don't remember Mary Jane getting married until much later," said one.

Actually, it was in AMAZING SPIDER MAN #392 that she first talked about marriage.

I'm evil. It was actually FANTASTIC SPIDER MAN #195.

Anyway, this is not why you're here.

Let me begin by saying SPIDER MAN 2: THE LEGEND OF CURLY'S GOLD is the GREATEST MOVIE EVER. This is not hyperbole. Although I will say now that it will only hold this title until BLADE THREE: RETURN OF THE KING OF VAMPIRE ASS KICKING comes out this winter, which we saw a preview for and which features shitloads of Wesley Snipes being a total badass and blowing a lot of shit up. That's one thing SPIDER MAN 2: 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS lacks in spades: ass-kicking Wesley Snipes. It also lacks a lot of shit blowing up, and when I say it lacks shit blowing up I mean shit does blow up a lot but it's not cool shit. It's like lame ass Necessary For The Plot shit. The Kelmeister only gives a stamp of approval to completely gratuitous sex and violence.

So why did I think Spider Man 2: The Secret of the Ooze was the greatest movie ever made? It made me cry. And I saw a naked picture of Tobey Maguire on the internet and he's hung like Seabiscuit and I couldn't get the mental image of him playing naked cards with Leo DiCaprio and David Blaine out of my head. But this was okay, because Kirsten Dunst had protruding nipples through the whole film, so my husband had something to think about instead of me thinking about Tobey Maguire.

Also, J.K. Simmons, who is Jameson, rocks. You might remember him from his star turn as the ass-kicking Dr. Skoda on Law and Order. I miss Dr. Skoda. Also he was on Oz, but I don't have cable and I would watch it on DVD but I have to keep myself pure until ALIAS season 3 comes out.

By the way, the season finale of Alias was awesome right up until the end. I still can't decide if it sucks ass or not.

So, anyway, Spider Man 2: On The Rocks was awesome. It was funny and sad and inspiring and made me Proud To Be An American. Although, dude if you're living in a shit apartment and your elderly aunt is getting thrown out of her house, you stay with her and give her some of your pizza delivery money. It doesn't take a super hero to figure out the best way out of that situation. I mean, Peter apparently still spends a lot of time there anyway. And if he's concerned about having his own place to attract the chicks...he wears a costume. The chicks would dig you more if you lived in your parents' basement. MJ only likes him because she knew him before the suit. And she probably knows he's hung like Seabiscuit.

Also, pay attention to the very end. It's weird. I think it was supposed to MEAN SOMETHING PROFOUND, but was instead a downer and non-sensemaking.

Looking back on my review, it may seem like I actually hated Spider Man 2: Back in the Habit, I'm thoroughly recommending it. You can't go wrong with Spider Man 2: The Quickening. My mother would totally love this movie, and that really means something. I'm totally looking forward to Spider Man 3: Revolutions, when Spidey battles the evil Hobgoblin, who will in the movie be the alter ego of Harry Osborn although in the comic he's Roderick Kingsley.

Also, as a shout out to Nala and Giga, we now know who does the super hero's laundry.