kpduty

RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE wasn't all that bad. I mean, it was free, because The Husband and I had a gift card. And it had Hottie Arab Guy from THE MUMMY in it. And Milla Jovovich is naked (seriously, she's like ALL NIPPLES). There was some advancement of story. And every once in a great while something blew up. But other than that...

RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE picks up where the first movie left off and veers futher into video game territory than the last. Jovovich returns as Alice, the chick who worked for the Umbrella Corporation. She's just woken up from some sort of experiment to find most of Raccoon City on fire and deserted. So she does what any sensible young lady would: she gets a kick ass outfit and some badass guns and goes off in search of some mayhem.

Meanwhile, we meet Jill Valentine, an actual character from the game, and in a move of casting brilliance the chick who plays her, Sienna Guillory, totally looks like a video game character. She has the walk down and everything. But how one busts some caps in some ass wearing a bustier is beyond me. Anyway, Jill is a Disgraced Cop with an Attitude, and she's of course the only one who for some bizarre reason knows that the city is being overrun with zombies. That doesn't prevent her and her Expendable Black Cop Buddy from getting trapped in quarantine with the rest of Raccoon City's inhabitants.

So Alice rescues Jill and the ragtag band of Zombie Chow that's been trapped with her, and together they go off in search of the daughter of an Umbrella scientist who was also trapped in quarantine. And then some stuff happens, and zombies, and more stuff, and then SEQUEL!!!

Fo some strange reason I'm very excited at the prospect of a sequel. I think it's why I'm so into the games: there's just enough of a story to keep me interested and coming back. And also there's the added bonus that I don't need to do any button mashing to enjoy it. Both hands are left happily free to eat shitloads of popcorn and Sour Patch Kids. And for a free movie, it's seriously not that bad. There are some funny moments featuring The Streetwise Smartmouth Black Guy Who In Any Other Movie Would Die Fifteen Minutes In But Actually Rises to the Occassion and Proves Himself to be Really Awesome and Indispensible.

BUT...this is supposed to be a ZOMBIE movie. This was not supposed to be a Michael Jackson video. Alas, this film is more like "If Michael Jackson was a Badass" (no pun...oh, fuck it, you know I totally meant to say that). Imagine the Thriller video with guns. And some CGI dogs. And Milla Jovovich's nipples. And also REALLY SHITTY CAMERA WORK.

Ahem....Mr. Director, Alexander Witt. TAKE THE GODDAMN FILTER OFF THE CAMERA AND HOLD THE FUCKER STEADY AND LET ME SEE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!! ARGH!!!! I know you probably had a really small and shitty budget, and wanted to blow it on Slipknot on the soundtrack rather than special effects, but COME ON!!! Seriously, any time anyone undead even instinctually moved in front of the camera (I was going to say "thought about walking on camera," but they're undead so they can't think...and, um, it's just a movie) the camera goes all fuzzy and starts swinging around like it's held by a five year old.

Okay, so I guess this wasn't all that good. I mean, there are other things wrong with it, like why if you're being attacked by zombies you and your buddies take a shortcut through a graveyard. Although they probably thought they were safe considering the virus that reanimates people CAN'T GET TO PEOPLE BURIED UNDERGROUND!!! ARGH!!! And how did the main evil huge ass zombie become a master of kung fu? HUH?!?!?

But I am still excited for the sequel, in part because, well...I'm here for you. I'll take one for the team, so you can have your zombie ass kicking without having to actually suffer through it.

Plus I really want to find out what happens.

In the meantime, salivate over this, the KING OF UNDEAD ASS KICKING!!!! December can't get here fast enough.

Wesley Snipes, I love you.

****Stay tuned for a review of SKYY VODKA CAPTAIN KANGAROO AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW TODAY SHOW WITH MATT LAUER AND KATIE COURIC.****