Oh, it's been a long while, has it not? I must apologize profusely. I would like to claim illness or Major Life-Altering Events, but in fact it was just laziness, pure and simple. Oh, Dear Reader, all the times I find myself sitting on the couch, eyes glazed over at yet another report of Lindsey Lohan's new eating disorder or Kevin and Britney's One True Love, and I think, "I could be writing about this in my blog right now." Yet alas, I cannot muster the energy to care, let alone write scathingly about it.
Plus, I've actually got SHITLOADS of shit to do at work, and since this this usually where I write these things, I've been DOING MY JOB, and sorry, but my job is NOT TO ENTERTAIN YOU. That's my hobby. My PREDILECTION, if you will.
But the complaints have been flowing in from FAR and WIDE, so here you go...a REVIEW of NEON GENESIS EVANGELION.
Let me begin by saying it's Eve-an-GELL-eon and not E-vanj-a-LEE-on like I've been incorrectly pronouncing it for years. Just in case you didn't want to look like a total loser when you go to the comic book store and ask for a copy.
Next, let me give you a bit of history...NGE is the GREATEST ANIME EVAH!!! It's the 1337 r0x0rs!!!!11!!! Here is what Amazon.com has to say about NGE:
"A benchmark series in the history of anime, Hideaki Anno's Neon Genesis Evangelion is one of the most widely discussed in anime. It's not the first series to combine mecha (futuristic machines, especially robots) with theology and a character-driven story, but it does so exceptionally well. The designs of the robots by Ikuto Yamashita are strikingly original; the questions raised about the future of the human race stimulate viewers' imaginations and the characters show a depth of personality rare in anime."
This was not the version I saw.
The NGE I watched was 26 half-hour episodes detailing how a total loser and an annoying German chick with a Japanese name become fighter pilots even though they are 14 years old. Shinji is a total pussy; his dad is super-powerful and runs/is a member of/does the bidding of a secret organization that uses this other organization, NERV, as its cover.
Okay, let me back up.
NGE is 26 episodes long. The first, eh, twenty are the exact same episode, with varying levels of people being annoying. And there are robots, but they're not really robots.
Okay, wait.
NGE takes place in 2015. Most of the population of Earth has been killed off due to the after-effects of what is called "The Second Impact." The public has been led to believe this was a meteor strike, but it was actually an attack by one of a sentient race of beings called "Angels." Angels periodically attack the earth for no reason. And they don't attack Earth persay, but NERV, a government organization sometimes in opposition to the UN, but whose charter is to destroy Angels. To do this they've created biomechanoids called Evangelion, or Eva for short, that are piloted by psychic 14 year olds. The action begins when Shinji is recruited to join NERV by his absentee father, who is not only high up in NERV but is also part of a shadow organization working behind NERV. Shinji reluctantly pilots an Eva, mainly to win approval from his father. The first fifteen or so episodes feature Shinji and his teammates battling various Angels with their Eva, with varying degrees of success. Then there is a recap/clip show.
Then, FINALLY, after all of this, a semblence of a plot!!! The old flame of one of the military personnel in charge of the operation is a spy!!! He thinks something fishy is going on!!! Eva are actually made from a captured Angel!!! Evas think!!! One of the pilots is a clone!!! There are lots of her!!! And Shinji's Eva contains his dead mother's spirit!!! IT'S AWESOME!!!
And then Shinji has a crisis of conscience and doubts his existence in the next to last episode and it's a bunch of crap about "who am I if I am not me?" And it's like you've dropped acid and are watching the Teletubbies but not nearly as well-written and acted. And then in the last episode Shinji decides who he is, and everyone claps.
No, seriously. Shinji picks a personality and all the characters applaud. And that's the last episode.
Nothing about the clone. Nothing about the Angels. Nothing about Shinji's mom being trapped in a robot. The conspiracy is dropped.
Now, I REALIZE that there are other NGE out there; yes, I am well aware that this ending was not what the animator Hideaki Anno wanted so he made some more clip shows and whatnot. But give me a break, THIS is the GREATEST ANIME EVER?!?! It is, if by "greatest" you mean "no plot." If "greatest" is the French word for "makes no sense."
And the WORST of it was I sat there, The Husband by my side groaning the entire time, and we SLOGGED through this piece of crap, waiting for something to happen. And then when it finally did happen, it meant nothing.
I would hate it if this had been my introduction to anime. Anime as a genre kicks all sorts of ass. Yes, you have to weed through crap like any kind of entertainment, but what's most difficult to reconcile with anime is the fact that you have to devote a lot of time and energy to a story, only to sometimes have it totally suck ass. And you also sometimes have to deal with lots of naked chicks. And chicks with tails. And tentacle sex. Nevermind.
If this hasn't totally turned you off of anime, check out WICKED CITY for a really fucked up but relatively easy to follow story, MILLENNIUM ACTRESS for a more traditional story told in a non-traditional way (MILLENNIUM ACTRESS really shows how freeing animation can be to a narrative) and of course anything by Hayao Miyazaki (SPIRITED AWAY). MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO makes me cry EVERY TIME!!! COWBOY BEBOP is something you'll have to invest a lot of time toward, but the story's amazing and the characters are well fleshed out. And of course there's AKIRA, which makes NO SENSE whatsoever but it has gigantic killer teddy bears and creepy pale kids and people screaming TETSUO!!! over and over again, so it's awesome even if you don't understand a word of it.
And that, kids, is Anime 101. There will be a mid-term.
Hopefully, I will review the new STAR WARS piece of crap. And I have to tell you about my trip to New York to see HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY. And I still haven't seen AMITYVILLE HORROR. But we shall see, kiddies, we shall see.
Now I'm off to look for more naked pictures of Hugh Laurie, and then go get The Husband from work. WATCH HOUSE MD, GODDAMNIT!!! Last night's episode was the GREATEST EPISODE OF ANYTHING EVER ON TELEVISION, including when Kelly won American Idol.
Maybe one day I will write about it.