kpduty

I think I may have told you a while back that I used to have this THING about GORE. I had a small problem with it, being that I couldn't watch it. But now that I'm in my thirties my stomach and I have gotten over it and now I can watch just about anything as long as it's still not ALIEN. Because I will NEVER EVER EVER watch ALIEN EVER. Even though I've now seen lots of pictures of John Hurt with a chestburster bursting out of his chest, and have not lost my senses and facilities, I'm still not going to watch it.

So needless to say I grew up without the benefit of a lot of the greatest horror movies of all time. It wasn't until college that I started to catch up, and even then it was kind of hit and miss. Like John Carpenter's PRINCE OF DARKNESS. I literally FLED halfway through that movie. I spent the remaining time in the hall outside my dorm room crying because I was so scared. Forced The Husband to watch it not too long ago; "Seriously, it's the scariest movie you will ever see!" I think I told him. That ended up being a bit of an exaggeration. THE EXORCIST? Also made me cry. I had a big paper to write that night, too. Satan apparently stays away if you've got a paper due. EVIL DEAD? Made me cry. And chain smoke for a half hour.

I knew I'd reached a turning point when a friend and I went to an all night horror marathon and I laughed my way through LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, which both my friend and my aunt said was the most disturbing film they'd ever seen. And my aunt is something of a horror aficionado so I kind of believed her. But it was still funny.

Does being completely desensitized make you a bad person?

So just this last year, at the urging of The Brother, I finally caught up on my Romero. DAWN OF THE DEAD, the original one, is all sorts of KICK ASS. It takes place in a mall, where four people run to hide from a horde of zombies. It reminded me of the 80s masterpiece NIGHT OF THE COMET. Valley girls, upon discovering they are the last people on earth, head for the mall to try stuff on. In both films, there's a novelty about having the place all to yourself that eventually wears off when you realize the finality of your predicament. DAWN OF THE DEAD was supposed to be social commentary about consumerism: when the zombies finally invade the mall, they lumber around and window shop, just like they did in life.

DAY OF THE DEAD, the next in the series, was supposed to reflect the detactment of the 80s. Everyone out for themselves. Not a care in the world for anyone else. Military versus Science. The Brother explained that the final film wasn't what Romero wanted, that he ran out of time and money. It's not that great of a film, although it has its moments.

So finally comes LAND OF THE DEAD, which exists in a limbo of NOW and SOME INDETERMINANT TIME SINCE THE LAST MOVIE, where zombies and humans have sort of reached a harmonic balance. Zombies still eat people, and people still shoot zombies in the head, but it doesn't happen with much frequency. Humanity has holed itself up in what are essentially "gated communities:" Pittsburg is chained in, the wealthy living in ivory towers of luxury, oblivious to the suffering of the poor in the streets and the death that still occurs. Some of the poor make a living running errands outside the city, fetching food and supplies for everyone else. There's a growing resistance among the poor, wanting to fight against the inequality, but the rich have that taken care of easily enough. Meanwhile, the zombies have begun trying to rebuild some semblence of the lives they once had: one pumps gas for cars that don't come, two teenagers hold hands, a cheerleader still carries her pompoms. And one gets smart, learning how to fire a gun and recognizing the shining beacon of an office tower for what it means, and he leads the others toward the city to get what's theirs.

So call it a kinder, gentler zombie movie for the new millennium. I know that sounds crazy, because lots of guts are eaten and heads are torn off, but let's look at the facts:

1) The Good Guys are multi-ethnic. Seriously, you have White Guy, Latino Guy, Samoan Guy, Disfigured Retarded Guy, Tough White Chick, Tough European Chick, Lame Skateboarder Dude, Irish Guy Leading The Resistance...seriously, it's crazy. There's a DWARF, for chrissakes.

2) The Bad Guys are all white. And old. And they talk like George W. Bush. And they're racists. And they have black servants. Even in the apocolypse, they have Negro Servants. What's up with that? Although you know that would totally happen, the bastards.

3) Zombies have feelings. They care, like you and me. Head zombie dude kills another zombie who accidentally catches fire, presumably to put him out of his misery. It was actually kind of cool and sad.

4) Everybody loves everybody else. You get bit, they don't hesitate to shoot you in the head before you turn, but Man, do they feel bad about it. They all watch each others' backs, and they do what they do for The People.

5) The Bad Guys talk about how people are expendable and replaceable. They shoot people just for looking at them wrong, and they call our heroes "terrorists." BOO!

The end of this film, however, is the BEST. Our heroes, realizing the zombies have infiltrated the city, rush back with weapons to help. But they're too late!!! The zombies are chowing down on innocents! But they blow the suckers to Hell anyway, crying at the souls lost because They Were Too Late, but LOOK!!! There are survivors!! And Thank God, they're led by Irish Guy Leading The Resistance!! Thank God HE of all people survived!! Who knows what would have happened if the two chicks making out at the taco stand had made it out.

And then...The Tough White Chick spots a gang of zombies moving across a bridge into...who knows? "I'm going to kill them!" she says. But her hand is stayed by The Touchy-Feely New Age White Guy Leader. He looks through the binoculars and sees Head Zombie Dude looking back at him.

"Leave them be," he says. "They're just looking for a place of their own...like us."

And then he blows a kiss at Head Zombie Dude and Head Zombie Dude sheds a tear for the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name And Can Never Be.

And then The Heroes drive off into the sunrise under a hail of Fireworks!!! YAY AMERICA!!!

Okay, the kiss part didn't happen. But the rest of it did.

So my review? Well, I had fun. It was a fun zombie movie. Greatest movie ever made? Well...that honor still belongs to THE CUTTING EDGE. But I'll have you know I didn't cover my eyes once!! Not even when dude was getting his guts ripped out through his mouth. And that same exact thing totally made me cry when I saw EVENT HORIZON!!!

To sum up: as The Brother put it...

WHEN THERE IS NO MORE ROOM IN HELL, THE DEAD SHALL WALK THE EARTH...And demand equal rights!!!

I think the zombies were a metaphor for gay people. Which means this is ANOTHER movie that is advocating gays to BLOW SHIT UP in the name of equality!!! And also tear people's gut out through their mouths. But only if that seems necessary.

REMEMBER: THE LAND OF THE DEAD was inside you the whole time. THE LAND OF THE DEAD that you were looking for...is family.

The next one should be made by Disney and star Nick Cage.

Coming up: I don't know. Stuff's coming out left and right, as it's summer. So we shall see. Fantastic Four is a definite. And...I'm drawing a total blank. This summer's movies are going to suck ass.