kpduty

In filmdom, there's this certain kind of movie that exists with a certain level of quality. You know what I'm talking about...they perfected it in the 80s and 90s. Should have gone straight to video but they'd sunk a lot of money into it, and it stars people just slightly above B-list so it's probably written into someone's contract that it had to be released in theaters or we'll sue....Google the upcoming BLOODRAYNE movie. I dare you. This is the type of movie I'm talking about. It's an adaptation of a video game STARRING THE CHICK FROM TERMINATOR 3 AND BEN KINGSLEY. How fucked up is that? So it's supposed to come out in theaters but I have a sneaking suspicion it'll go right to Blockbuster. Although Ben Kingsley AND F. Murray Abraham were in SLIP STREAM with Mark Hamill, so my logic may be flawed.

But if you were to undergo a bout of insomnia like I've been recently experiencing, you'd see these movies on late late TV. Remember REMO WILLIAMS? LAKE PLACID? This is what I'm talking about.

FANTASTIC FOUR feels like a movie that were it on at 4:30 in the morning, I wouldn't turn it off, but I would flip around to see if Elimidate was on. It's not bad, it's just not all that awe-inspiring. Like, I think it could have been, but I don't know what I would have done to make it better. It's weird. It was good...but I don't know.

So Reed Richards is a scientist but he's incompetent at love and making money. So he comes up with a scheme to study dust clouds in space, but he approaches is evil arch-rival Victor von Doom for funding. So Victor gives him the money and lords over Reed that Victor had to give him money, oh and by the way Victor's dating Reed's ex-girlfriend Susan Storm. Susan's asshole Xtreme sportman brother Johnny hates Reed's right hand man Ben...it's one big happy dysfunctional family *hint hint wink wink*. Think they'll all end up happily ever after when they're superheroes?

So there's people turning into metal and going all invisible and catching on fire, and Ben's finacee Marita Covarrubias from the X-Files dumps him because he looks like a giant orange circus peanut. And there's fighting and explosions and SELF-SACRIFICE and LOVING YOUR FELLOW MAN and FIGHTING FOR WHAT'S RIGHT and YAY AMERICA!!! And then Ben hooks up with a blind chick who's black because IT'S WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE THAT COUNTS AND THAT WORKS BOTH WAYS, MISTER and Johnny's still an ass but because he's hot and is DRINKING AND PARTYING RESPONSIBLY he's now Ben's Best Friend Forever. And Susan dumps Victor because he's an ass but instead of having being hot to fall back on he's turning into a giant walking lightening rod and HE ONLY THINKS OF HIMSELF. So she hooks up with Reed because that's what the script tells her because I can't think of any other reason why anyone would pick him over Johnny except for the fact that they're brother and sister and that's illegal. THE END.

So it did have some funny moments, and the scenes where they first use their powers to save a truck full of firefighters is cool, but it's just...empty? You know how sometimes you watch movies--like take THE INCREDIBLES for example, which is basically about the same set of characters trying to work out a familial structure--and by the end of the movie you feel like you're going to start applauding because you love everyone to death and you're so happy that they won in the end and they're all better people for the experience but the growth was slow and made sense and wasn't forced? FANTASTIC FOUR's not like that. It was serviceable, but not Rah-Rah. I don't know. It was what it was, and didn't try any harder than that, I guess is what I'm saying, so on those merits it was enjoyable. It should have been BUCKAROO BONSAI and ended up being DELTA FORCE.

And Chris Evans's hip bones were nowhere near as hot as Ryan Reynolds's.

Next: Hell if I know. I may review MINDHUNTERS, which I just saw at the dollar theater with the husband and ended up being KICK ASS. WHAT A SURPRISE FOR ONCE!!! Awesome, awesome movie.

I'm going to pee.