kpduty

See, part of the inspiration for this was competition with The Brother. He and The Brother's Best Friend are always bragging about the crap they watch. NO FAIR, I say, I WANT TO WATCH SHIT, TOO, so The Husband and I haul ass to Blockbusters and actively search it out. This used to lead to a few diamonds in the rough, a few gems that would provide hours of enjoyment at a later time, as you recounted both the movie and the shitty viewing experience to friends, reliving that terrible time. But I don't know what's happened: either the movies have gotten shittier, or we've lost our touch when it comes to picking them out. Case in point, tonight's winner: JOLLY PIRATE: MASSACRE AT CUTTER'S COVE.

Problem #1 is that new technology means the golden days of crappy shitty video filmed in someone's backyard are GONE...now that everyone has access to a digital camera, every piece of shit film LOOKS like it was crapped from Spielberg's ass. There was a certain, oh, jah nah say quaw about them, an innocence and ignorance that was charming; we all wanted to be filmmakers, and boy did we try. But it still looked like shit, but hey, at least they tried. Now, because it looks like a Hollywood movie, your brain is tricked into thinking it IS a Hollywood movie, so when it sucks ass it sucks all the harder. This also applies to actual Hollywood films being released today, only they've wasted way more money making that shit happen.

Problem #2 is that the dudes in charge of the script had never seen an episode of CSI, CSI:NEW YORK, CSI: MIAMI, LAW & ORDER ad nauseum, et cetera. The coroner was a boob. Seriously, he comes into a crime scene. The cop asks for approximate time of death. The coroner looks at the body sans head and says, "It's hard to say. The body lost all its blood. I don't know how long that takes." The Husband, who cares not a whit about such things, knew enough to scream at the TV "basal body temperature." Thank God the coroner was there at the end of the film to see a gunshot victim and be able to surmise, "It may be fatal."

Problem #3 was that this movie was just simply ass.

I should probably tell you what the film's about, in case you're curious. The movie opens with teens having a cookout/sex on a beach. Lameass Jock and Whore go off to have sex, but they are not horny enough to not stop and check out the pirate chest that's washed up on the beach. Opening the chest unleashes the undead pirate Jolly Roger, who proceeds to go on a murderous rampage, chopping off the heads of the ancestors of his crew, who years ago mutinied against him and killed him and stole his treasure. Our intrepid heroes are teen couple Goody-Goody Schoolgirl and Hoodlum With A Past. He's afraid the cops are going to pin these murders on him, because he "had a run-in with the law" many years ago, apparently for robbing a 7-11 while dressed as a pirate. Strippers are killed, a guy is beaten to death with his own severed arm, the mayor is killed even though she "puts up a fight" which is French for "runs right into the sword," and everyone lives Happily Ever After, except that they don't because the pirate totally comes back from the dead a second time to kill all the losers who are left. THE END.

We should have known we were in trouble when the movie began with Goody-Goody Schoolgirl and Hoodlum With A Past having a fight because she had their whole lives planned out even though they'd only been dating two months, because he was going to go with her to State but he hates school and wants to travel for a few months and what, do you want to see other people? Seriously, no, because I love you but I hate math, so here's my class ring that my mom bought me, I never wear it because I hate it and I don't like to wear jewelry because it messes up my hoodlum reputation to wear rings, but I want you to have it as a token of my love. God, you just don't get it, do you?

I get it, Goody-Goody Schoolgirl, oh how I do. It all became clear to me when you and Hoody broke out of jail to head to the high school so you could use the computers to Google "homicidal dead pirate." I got it when the secretary of the dude getting his head lopped off into a fish tank was typing up a memo using only the function keys on her keyboard. I got it when your friend, right before he died, cooked hot dogs over the campfire until they were burnt, and he tried to convince you they were still good to eat, but I can see why you weren't fooled: he totally pretended to take a bite out of that hot dog.

So I think this signals the end of The Husband's and my quest to find the shittiest movies ever and watch them. It's just too painful and time-consuming and fruitless. I've only shared this with you out of frustration; I've spared you the recaps of KOBOLOS and THE INCUBUS starring John Cassavetes and some other stuff that was so bad I can't remember it off the top of my head. Oh, God was THE INCUBUS weird. My whole life I'd wanted to see it, and I finally watch it and it's all weird violent rape and people talking about the number of sperm and the main character's got this weird incestuous vibe with his teenaged daughter. Maybe I will tell you about it some time, because it was that fucked up.

But that's that. From now on, I think we will try our damnedest to only watch GOOD MOVIES. No more of this shit on purpose. LIfe's too short. So with that, expect reviews of such films as...I can't think of anything off the top of my head. But I really mean it, better movies...yeah.

Right after we finish watching ASYLUM OF THE DAMNED.

Hey, we paid for it already...we might as well go ahead and watch it.