kpduty

LEGION OF THE DEAD is about Egyptian vampire mummies in Los Angeles. I know what you're thinking. Kelmeister, you are saying to yourself, isn't the defining characteristic of Egyptian vampire mummies the fact that they are found in Egypt? Well, yes, you could think that. But I bet you'd be surprised to know there are ACTUAL DOCUMENTED THEORIES that the Egyptians had a Trans-Atlantic trade route to the Americas, which conveniently took them by Atlantis. See, ACTUAL REAL-LIFE SCIENTISTS have done studies on mummies and found chemical evidence of plants indigenous only to the Western Hemisphere during the time of the Egyptian Empires. Sound too good to be true? It probably is, but I found it on the internets, so I'm sticking with that as an explanation. So anyway, the Egyptians...they're coming over here and tradin' and tradin' and some stayed they liked it so much and they became the Aztecs. But others thought North America sucked ass, and so they would send the worst people over here to suffer and die. One such person was Aneh-Tet, who did some stuff that probably involved little to no clothing, so she was banished to the LA area, where a tomb was built for her and she was locked in, vowing to return and command both the living and the dead.

Enter Zach Galligan, who has apparently not learned to NEVER FEED THEM AFTER MIDNIGHT. He's a lecherous professor of Archaeology who's discovered Aneh-Tet's underground tomb and is excavating it with some of his Dressed-Improperly-for-Archaeological-Digs graduate sluts-I mean students. One is Molly, a beautiful girl trying too hard to look like a nerd, especially considering she's slept with every guy at the dig...abet drunkenly, as she so delicately puts it. She's a specialist in reading hieroglyphics. Then there's this Australian actor playing a French archaeologist, and he's smarmy enough that you know he's totally going to ressurrect the Egyptian chick. And then there's the dude love with Molly, and Bruce Boxleiter's a cop with a kick ass jacket who knows way too much about dating DNA samples. And there's face melting, and spines being ripped out, and the dead being raised, and boobies. And some virgins were sacrificed. And lots of people die and come back to life. And The Husband and I were in it!! Or at least our car was. THE END.

First, I feel the need to reveal to you that the copy we had was fucked up. And I don't mean the movie itself; there was something wrong with the disc that caused lots of fits and starts and pixilated greenness. So we had to switch DVD players to try and overcome our technical difficulties, and this caused us to miss what were, I suppose, critical plot points of the film. LIke why the hell Molly and Chump-boy went out, broke up, stopped speaking to each other, and wanted to get back together in the first place. Also, people we'd never seen before had a bad habit of dying and then showing up dead, and we had no clue who they were or what function they served in the film. Also, Aneh-Tet's powers of evil had an annoying way of changing their modus operandi, so at one point people could be killed just by having her look at them askance, and other times she'd actually have to touch them. And sometimes touching them would kill them instantly, and other times people pertinent to the plot would be able to get away for a few minutes.

Even despite these tiny quibbles with the script, two points stuck out glaringly:

1) How many women did they have to hire to suck Bruce Boxleitner's dick to get him to appear in this movie? and

2) Can you call your henchmen of undead a "legion" if there are only six of them?

See, I can understand Zach Galligan, maybe. I mean, when all you can think of to distinguish him from all the other pasty-faced actors you haven't heard of since the 80s is "Hey, he was in GREMLINS," I can expect him to show up in a shitty movie such as this. But Boxleitner? CAPTAIN SHERIDAN!?!?! Say it ain't so!

The Husband and I decided the filmmakers gave him his kick ass jacket, and the sunglasses, and the cowboy hat...and probably also the prop cell phone. And he didn't have to die until the end of the movie.

And also, the LEGION OF THE DEAD was only six dead people. I don't know if I should feel cheated, or send the filmmakers an Texas Instruments calculator.

Oh...on a final note I should point out that LEGION OF THE DEAD was brought to you by the production winners who also made JOLLY ROGER. So I should have known. I really, really should have known.

The preview for FRANKENSTEIN REBORN looked kick ass.

And now I'm off to see SERENITY!!! You should go too, so they make more Serenity movies and I'm a happy camper.