kpduty

I never get to watch MAURY, even though it's on twice a day. It's on at 10am when I'm at work, and at 4pm before I get home. So it's the greatest thing in the world when I'm sick or on vacation because I can catch up.

The MAURY show really doesn't have much in the way of creative show ideas. There're basically seven types of shows that are in repeat ad nauseum:

1) I'm fat/a midget/black/albino/without arms and I'm in love with a skinny person/tall person/white person/normally colored person/person with arms. Aren't we a novelty!!!

2) I have a secret crush on a guy who hated me when I was a fat nerd but now I"m a skinny slut so I want a second chance at love!!!!

3) I have a kid and I need to test fifteen guys to find out who the father is!!!

4) My infant weighs 150 pounds because all he'll eat are chicken wings and pizza!!!!

5) I'm a singing kid!!!! I"m cute!!!!

6) I have no arms/no legs/progeria/a feeding tube/a colostomy bag/a hang nail that has made my life a living hell!!!! But I'm persevering!!!! I need a makeover!!!!

7)I'm ten and I want to have a baby!!! I have sex 300 times a day because I want a baby!!! My mom sucks ass!!!

Number seven is currently on the air. I can't decide which is my favorite: the girls who want a baby NO MATTER WHAT, or the women who are 150% sure this guy IS THE FATHER while he's 300% sure SHE WAS SLEEPING WITH MY BROTHER.

On today's show, a girl made the enlightened observation that she's only going to have sex with older men, because "They make the mad money and can afford child support because I sure as HELL ain't gonna work!!!"

I especially love the ones who've evolved enough in their pursuit that they've begun taking money for the sex, because then not only do they get sex and the chance for a baby, but hey, I gotcha money!!! HEY!!!! But, by god don't call them prostitutes. Because they aren't prostitutes. Well, okay, yeah, maybe we are, but we love sex and are trying to have a baby!!! We need money for nice clothes!!!!

"YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!" No...you're right. We don't. Who are we to judge a 12 year old who so desperately wants a baby you'll DO ANYTHING!!!

Quote of the day: "I don't know why she wants to have a baby, she can't even make herself a bowl of cereal."

Thank god D is on the case. D is a "motivational speaker" and an enormous bald man who yells a lot. He takes the girls to prison where female inmates yell at them and then the girls magically change their slutty ways. He gives them borrowed infants so they can see how much having a baby sucks ass, and secretly they deep down don't want to take care of a baby as much as they want one, because they thought that after they had the baby their mom would end up taking care of it anyway, so now that they know THAT'S not going to happen they'll NEVER have sex again!!! So you get unbridled hoe-ness and sweet redemption in one episode. It's awesome.

I just reread this entry, and it sounds really mean. It's not meant to be. Because MAURY gives me a lot of pleasure. Even though I should probably feel like a horrible person for feeling that way.

The moral is we shouldn't take pleasure in other people's misfortunes.

I feel like I missed out on a whole world of adolescence that I could have had, had I not been a fat, nerdy, goody-two-shoes.