kpduty

DANGEROUS SEX GAMES--written by Nobel Prize winner Noe Wunn--was advertised as having a plot, which is the little I require in a porn. Which I know sort of defeats the point of porn, but when you think about it, sex is pretty silly and disgusting to watch when other people are doing it, so it helps if there's a bit of CONFLICT to keep you interested. Also, the synopsis warned of EXTREME NUDITY. How can you pass up something with EXTREME NUDITY? What is EXTREME NUDITY? How can you be more EXTREMELY NUDE than you are when you have no clothes on?

So the plot goes like this: Darren and Kia are a couple who are arguing about going to their friend Simon's house for his birthday. See, Simon likes to throw murder mystery parties and Kia can't stand them, because once Simon put a dead rat in a box or something. But then they have sex and Kia decides to go, because I guess the sex was awesome. But I wouldn't know because they didn't show it. So at Simon's house they meet up with friends Parker and Brianna, who reveal that they hate Simon, too, but they're at the party anyway because hey, free booze. Then there's Chelsea the maid who you know is the maid because she's in a French maid's outfit. And then Simon shows up with this ugly chick, Lizette. Simon's a total asshole, and he's come up with this awesome new game called "The Case Of The Bloody Knife." It involves a series of numbered envelopes, numbered in no particular order, which need to be opened in a particular order to reveal a series of clues which leads to a prize: two tickets to Anguilla. The clues all have to do with some aspect of mythology, which you know in real life none of these people would know anything about. And then they all have sex with each other, but they don't show any of it. Except for when the two chicks have sex, then they showed all of that. And then Simon's found dead, and Kia (after having sex with various people) figures out it was Lizette who killed Simon, because she was pissed that Simon was having sex with the maid. But Simon knew Lizette was going to kill him, so instead of ratting her out to the police he concocted a labrythine murder mystery game with lots of clues and envelopes. But he did actually leave four tickets instead of two, so everyone gets to go to Anguilla. And everyone lives happily ever after, and Darren and Kia profess their undying love for one another and then they have sex, YAY AMERICA and THE END!!!

So DANGEROUS SEX GAMES was only an hour long. For $11. And according to the internets, it was supposed to be 90 minutes, which would explain why there wasn't actually any sex or EXTREME NUDITY. But you have to wonder why they'd bother cutting that stuff out, especially if you're paying $11 for EXTREME NUDITY. I also think much of the plot was lost in the edits, because it was never actually adequately explained how Kia figured out Lizette was the murderer when Kia was dumber than a sock of nickles. And why any of them would want to have sex with each other, let alone be friends.

I'm still deciding if it would be worth it to hunt down the unedited version.

As for the weekend, there was no EXTREME NUDITY, but there was lots of GETTING LOST and HONKYTONK MUSIC and JEFF GORDON'S BIG HEAD HAWKING STUFF FROM BILLBOARDS. There was also lots of GREAT PEOPLE and COOL PARENTS and CUTE KIDS and SEARING HUMIDITY. The Husband's Best Friend From College And Her Husband are awesome. Their friends and family are all awesome. And The Husband and I have cemented our status as BEST TEAM EVER, as we put Lewis and Clark to shame with our canoeing prowess.

The Husband and I can do ANYTHING, we're so awesome. Everything except pick out porn.

But hey, it was either that or boxing.