It's Fall again, Dear Reader. The air is colder, the new TV season has begun. HOUSE is awesome, as always. I've become addicted to BONES. I'm trying to avoid AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL, but I can feel it calling to me AS WE SPEAK. But those are tales for another time. For I come to you now, Dear Reader, with a tale that will Chill Your Bones. RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES, it is.
I came thisclose to being on the jury for what in Cowtown would have been THE TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, The People versus Maurice Clarett.
Yes, a few months ago I received notice in the mail that I was to appear for jury duty in the Common Pleas court. I'd served on a jury in Municipal Court a few years ago, but this notice said I was being called for a specific case. Being the Trivia Hound that I am, when I saw the start date of the trial, September 18, I knew in my heart of hearts it was Maurice Clarett's robbery trial. WHAT LUCK!! I, who watch LAW AND ORDER with a fervor bordering on obsession. I, whose Mother switched from ATT to Time Warner cable because Time Warner had the Court TV channel and she wanted to watch the OJ trial. Now I was to be IN COWTOWN'S OWN OJ TRIAL!!! Because that would have been the circus this case would have become. The OSU tailback, who in his Freshman year led the Buckeyes to their place as National Champions? The state of O-hi-O, when football season rolls around, acts like they're all collectively smoking meth. And this was their fallen Golden Boy. It would have been INSANE.
I could have had a book deal.
I suppose I still could, if this blog entry is good enough.
*cough* Anyway. Would you believe I bought new shoes and a purse for the trial? A PURSE!!!! I NEVER NEVER EVER EVER use or own or carry purses, but I got one to take to court with me. The Husband about shit his pants. Of course, The Husband was also trying to plant into my mind the idea that this trial could last at least five or six months.
So anyway, Monday I got up early to drive The Husband in. Then I came home (after I stopped at Tim Horton's for a CAFE MOCHA) and farted around and then went back to bed. Then I got up and watched judge shows. Judge Hatchett had this awesome case where this couple was suing a taxidermist whom they claimed had taken too long stuffing the head of the three-year-old bull they'd had killed specifically so they could have him stuffed, and then the taxidermist had the unmidigated gall to charge them storage fees for the head AND he took it to a Christian picnic so he could show it off to his taxidermist pals. The couple got their head and the rest of the case was dismissed. It was awesome.
Now mentally prepared for what lay ahead of me, I proceeded to get dressed. I had the news on because there wasn't much else on to watch. Lo and behold, while I'm pulling on my socks, the Breaking News comes in that MAURICE CLARETT HAS REACHED A PLEA DEAL, only a couple of hours before his trial was to start. My heart sank.
Yes, I was totally only thinking of me and not at all about Maurice and his family.
Figuring I could be wrong about which trial I'd been called for I went to court anyway. I got there fifteen minutes early, but we all ended up waiting for about 45 minutes until the bailiff showed up to dismiss us. There were probably a hundred people there. The bailiff explained that we were in fact there for voir dire for the Maurice Clarett trial, and that he had in fact pleaded guilty a few hours before (to which some people applauded!!! Way to go showing your prejudices, lameasses). And then he sent us on our way. Just like that. Our $20 check's in the mail. So since I had to pick up The Husband in a few hours I went to his office and bothered him and his co-workers.
And that is my story.
Here's the thing, though. There was a rumor circulating at one point that Clarett was involved with the Israeli mafia. And also that his second arrest on gun charges came when he was pulled over on his way to intimidate a witness in his robbery trial. So this could have been bad news for anyone involved in the trial say in the capacity of witness or jury member. I may have had to go into Witness Protection. The person you know and love would have had to DISAPPEAR into the ether. NO MORE BLOG!!!! What would you have all done?!?!?!
Think about that for a moment, and about how important my blog is in your life. And then smack yourself upside the head for centering your life around my blog. IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!! Unless you're really into videos of slugs eating their own penises, because then IT'S TOTALLY WORTH IT!!!!!
Now I've given myself a headache trying to imagine the world without KPDUTY. It'd be like a hot dog without a bun. A trip to the Hometown Buffet without a huge bowl of ice cream sprinkles for dessert. In other words, the big suck.
Mmmmm, sprinkles. I think there may be a Tim Horton's donut with sprinkles in my immediate future.