Lewis Black has this really awesome routine about the "dumbest thing he's ever heard in his life":
"If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."
The joke, which can be heard below, if basically, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, and OH, THE PAIN AS I WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN.
The thing is, tonight The Husband and I had a very similar experience.
We were driving home from an evening of playing board games with The Husband's Boyfriend and The Husband's Boyfriend's Girlfriend. It was pretty late, 12:30 am or thereabouts. We were passing by the Waffle House. Parked in front of the Waffle House, in the street, were two cop cars, lights flashing. The cops were standing on the sidewalk/berm, in the grass, hands on hips, just sort of exasperated or something. And running away from them (actually, it was more of a cross between a slow jog and a quick saunter) was a Hispanic man, no shirt, those horrible long men's jeans shorts, and he's holding a cat. An orange tabby. It looked sort of like our own beloved Commodore Oliver J. "Buster" Poopsalot of the British Royal Navy, arch-enemy of Tess the One-Eyed Pirate Cat and her salty First Mate, Black Jack Pickett.
The Husband did a first-rate job of driving forward and looking backward for an extended period of time, without hitting anybody. But damned if we could figure out why a half-naked Hispanic man would not be trying very hard to escape with his cat from cops who were not chasing him. Unless it wasn't his cat.
Had he been trying to have sex with it in the bathroom of the Waffle House? Did he rescue it from an evening in the pokey, after the cat had perpetrated some crime against Society that required the intervention of the police? And why weren't the cops running after him? Were they full of waffles and unable to run without developing stitches in their sides? Had they already filled their month quota of arrests of half-naked Hispanic men with cats?
All I know is, as I sit here having to pee real bad and needing to go to bed because now it's 2 am, is WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, and OH, THE PAIN AS I WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN.
Please, PLEASE, for the love of god be on the news in the morning.
Please.