Many moons ago, I told you about the movie I was going to make, an epic on the scale of Independence Day or anything else with Will Smith in it. You may have thought I was a one-trick pony when it comes to film making, but I have other ideas up my sleeve.
Once upon a time, I lived with a Good Friend who had a crush on Jeff Goldblum. Not having any skills relating to successfully stalking people, we decided that the best way to meet Jeff Goldblum and showcase Good Friend's wonderful personality, startling intellect and charismatic street-smarts would be to write, produce, direct and star in our own movie, which would also somehow involve Jeff Goldblum. So that the meeting and the stupefying could commence unimpeded.
What movie did we come up with? We didn't really have a name for it, but it was a bit of a political thriller/tearful coming-of-age story/breezy romantic comedy/feel-good event of the summer kind of movie. The plot was such:
Good Friend and I star as friends (such a stretch) who, concerned by the thousands of deaths/thousands of debilitating head injuries each year, decide that what needs to happen in the US is for a law to be passed mandating that everyone, from infancy to death, be required by law to wear a helmet. Seat belts alone are not the answer! Helmets while bike riding don't go far enough! What if you slip in the shower? Fall on ice? Tumble down stairs? Get pushed over at an Aerosmith concert? No, the only way to keep Americans safe is mandatory helmets.
Now, the big point I've left out is an important one: these helmets are not just any helmet. See, the helmets Good Friend and I designed have a bump on the front. So the helmet sort of looks like it has a big, bulbous bill on the front. This is so that should you fall forward while wearing your helmet and you land face down in some body of water like a puddle or a small pond or whatnot you will be protected from drowning by the bubble on the front of the helmet. It keeps your face out of the water, you see. This is especially important for babies, because statistics show they apparently are susceptible to drowning. Or so I've heard.
So Good Friend and I start a grassroots campaign that takes us all the way to the hallowed halls of Congress, where we meet with our State Representative Jeff Goldblum, and his intrepid personal assistant Whichever Celebrity I'm Currently In Love With. Lots of comedic hijinks ensue. Everyone falls in love, and everyone else avoids irreversible brain damage. THE END.
So today while surfing the Internet, I discovered that a company has created helmets for babies. And while there isn't a bump on the front to prevent drowning, I'm sure it's on someone's drawing board somewhere.
So I'm putting it here, on the Internet, so that should you see a baby wearing a helmet with a bump on the front to prevent drowning, you'll know where it came from and where to send the royalty check. And also where to let Jeff Goldblum know who he needs to get in touch with if he ever wants free sex. I have Good Friend's number, if he wants it.