kpduty

SPOILERS!!!

Van Helsing would have been an awesome dollar movie. It was laughably bad; I was smiling when I left, but only because it was so ridiculous. For example, here's an exchange my brother Eddy and I had when describing the movie to our mom

Me: "The worst part of the movie--"
Eddy: "You mean there's one part you can single out?"

SPOILERS!!

So the husband and I celebrated our 11th month wedding anniversary this month, and as things had been a little rough for us this week, we decided to go on a date. We'd not been out alone together on a "date date" for a while, so what better way to reconnect and rediscover your love for another by enjoying mutilated bodies, naked Angelina Jolie, and Taco Bell!!

One of these three things was awesome. I'm going to let you guess which one.

SPOILERS!!!

So I finally got to do what I've always dreamed of doing.

I attended a star-studded Hollywood Movie Premiere.

Granted, it was in Columbus, OH. And the premiere was only bedazzled by two marginally famous actors and many local news talents. And it reeked of frying animal flesh. However, there was a red carpet and a limo and a very long wait in line and it took me until next morning but I finally figured out how tangentally I met Kevin Bacon in under six degrees. I had an awesome time.

I did not, however, get a free t-shirt.

So last night after much pleading and cajoling my brother let me borrow season two of ALIAS. If only you could see me rolling my eyes. At least Reporter Boy grew some balls and some sense and is actually keeping a low profile. I'm sensing he's a goner, in part because of his change of heart and in part because he finally shaved. It's not a good sign. Also, Vaughn needs to get laid so he and Sydney can stop spending 15.739% of the show making moonie eyes at one another. This also goes for Jack, who is not making moonie eyes at his ex-dead-wife-spy-woman but instead gazes upon her with a mix of pained heartbreak and constipation. But at least he still kicks some ass. And he actually has a heart to break. And finally Sydney, GET ANOTHER FUCKING JOB AND STOP YER BITCHIN'!!! Geez Louise, "Now I can finally be truthful to you about myself because you were tortured and had your face bashed in and some ribs broken and teeth pulled and I barely saved your life and now you're going to have to pretend to be a drug addict and your life is ruined but at least now I can be honest with you *sniff*." WHATEVER!!!! ARGH!!! And season three doesn't come out until September.

But this isn't why you're here. You want to know about Vin Diesel's rock hard abs.

Before I begin, I just have to preface my review by saying that I have no right whatsoever to talk ill of comic book geeks. I collect my fair share of crap; why, just this afternoon I was at The Laughing Ogre, screaming at my brother because I couldn't figure out in what order to read the various books of 30 Days of Night (soon to be a Major Motion Picture) and lamenting the fact that the new Neil Gaiman series, at $3.50 a piece and eight issues total, would run altogether far more than the $22 I'd originally estimated. Funny side story: the brother looked at me askance and was all like, "You did see how much they cost right?" And I'm like, yeah, three fiddy. And he's wheels turning in his head and smoke coming out of his ears and he's like, "That's...more than twenty-four dollars, not twenty-two!"

Math is hard.

SPOILERS!!!!

So the brother and I were on the phone a few weeks ago: he was thanking me profusely for emailing him a link to the new Alien V Predator movie, and I was telling him to have a good time seeing it without me because there are TOTALLY going to be Things Popping Out of People in the movie and although I have gotten a bit better with watching things that tangentally can be considered Things Popping Out of People (like Ron Weasley vomiting up slugs in that Harry Potter movie that I can't remember which one it was specifically) Alien is the Numero Uno Things Popping Out of People experience for me and so it will always be avoided at all costs.

Even watching the trailer for Aliens V Predator is a big step for me. I should be congratulated.

So anyway, the brother and I are on the phone a few weeks ago when I ask if he's seen the trailer for Will Smith's movie, I, ROBOT.

"Yeah, and it looks like it's going to suck," he says. "When did you want to go see it?"

SPOILERS!!!

When I was little, I was terrified of the Emergency Broadcast System. I have a traumatic memory of running through the house screaming my head off while that buzzing filled the house, my dad shouting from the shower for me to shut up. I used to keep a pillow case of my favorite stuffed animals under my bed in case we needed to head for the basement to hide from a tornado, or if a fire broke out and we had to make a run for it. I was neurotic from a very early age.

Now I have to be afraid of Overnight Ice Ages. Great.

I think I'm getting old. Shit blowing up just isn't doing it for me like it once did. I think, though, that it's more the fault of RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE than any real problem with me. This movie has bad SciFi Channel Piece of Crap Starring Lou Diamond Phillips and Lori Petty written all over it.

Oh, wait, that movie's been made already. It was called ROUTE 666.

Computers are supposed to kick ass. And by kick ass I mean make life easier by taking care of multiple complicated tasks that we busy humans can no longer be bothered with, like math and going out to buy porn. Computers are not supposed to suck; they are so smart, they should be able to take care of themselves with little or no help. But unfortunately they can't and that is why we have to have IT guys.

Computers are like cars: they kick ass and I totally wish I knew more about them than I do. I can drive; I can surf the internet. When I want more oil I have to go to a mechanic. When I want wireless for my fifty-year-old hand-me-down iMac, I have to ask The Husband over and over, "What's an AirCard? What's an AirCard? Can I use my computer at the coffee shop? HUH?" And it means I spend more time at www.microcenter.com looking at book bags than reading about networking solutions.

Can you read this: *@&@&$%^!@)&)(*@(&# #^(#&(!& # ^#(&^!@O& @(%#%*^ @(&#(& #(&? That was a very complicated disseration on networking solutions. It makes no sense to me, either. I hate being computer illiterate. Computers suck ass.

And I thought I would never say this, but computers were the problem with SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW.

Let me begin by saying that SHAUN OF THE DEAD is the greatest movie ever made. Then I would like to continue by saying it's at least the greatest movie I've seen all year. And in conclusion, SHAUN OF THE DEAD IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE.

Here's why...

You might be hooked on a tv show when...

You're already hanging out on message boards looking for spoilers, and it's only the second episode.

Or you may be lame. One or the other.

I am hereby issuing the following proclaimation...

FARSCAPE IS THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW EVER.

I never thought I'd ever say that, especially with three boxes in the basement of nothing but X-FILES magazines, but FARSCAPE IS THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW EVER.

SPOILERS!!!

So, I finally dragged myself out to see BLADE. And I mean that literally: before going to the movies with The Brother I'd left the house approximately two times in the week following Christmas. I was in bed on New Year's Eve at 10pm. AND I was pissed at the neighborhood partiers for making it hard for me to go to sleep.

I have become a lazy bum.

SPOILERS!!!

Once upon a time, The Mother used to listen to Art Bell on the radio, really late at night. The next day, she'd call me at work and recount the previous night's show, and then I would further explain to her the intricacies of Ufology and crystal healing and Black Helicopters and the HAARP Project. Because I'm down with all that craziness.

Oh, it's been a long while, has it not? I must apologize profusely. I would like to claim illness or Major Life-Altering Events, but in fact it was just laziness, pure and simple. Oh, Dear Reader, all the times I find myself sitting on the couch, eyes glazed over at yet another report of Lindsey Lohan's new eating disorder or Kevin and Britney's One True Love, and I think, "I could be writing about this in my blog right now." Yet alas, I cannot muster the energy to care, let alone write scathingly about it.

Plus, I've actually got SHITLOADS of shit to do at work, and since this this usually where I write these things, I've been DOING MY JOB, and sorry, but my job is NOT TO ENTERTAIN YOU. That's my hobby. My PREDILECTION, if you will.

But the complaints have been flowing in from FAR and WIDE, so here you go...a REVIEW of NEON GENESIS EVANGELION.

SPOILERS!!!

Here's a question:

Why is Indian food so yummy? It's like eating booze: it's all warm going down and it makes you feel real good. Even the burps are delicious. Indian food is the BEST!!! Except maybe for Japanese food. Making an ass out of yourself with utensils kicks ass!! And those red bean paste thingies, daifuku: they are the grossest things I've ever experienced and yet they are SO GOOD. What's up with that?

Horror films in general are like daifuku: our natural tendency is to reject them outright because of their weird gelatinous rice cake outside, and we totally miss the surprisingly sweet red bean paste of humor on the inside. Because all horror movies, when you distill them to their bare essense, are really silly.

Take for instance, THE RING 2. No, please.

SPOILERS!!!

So yesterday was my second wedding anniversary. Two whole years. Goes by in a blink, when all you can think about is when the laundry's going to do itself and what's needed from the store. Seriously though, whoever said everything changes once you get that piece of paper was lying through their teeth. But of course, they also probably didn't start out thinking the ultimate romantic night out was walking off Hometown Buffet with a stroll through Target.

So, I guess you could say married life is treating me well. Or as The Therapist put it, "Kelmeister, look at your life: You're fat, you haven't started your Master's thesis, your house is a wreck, and you're the happiest you've ever been in your life." And it's true. And part of that is due to massive amounts of Prozac, and part of that is The Husband.

The only thing I would change is that I wish I could drive like Angelina Jolie in MR. & MRS. SMITH.

SPOILERS!!!

So right now it's 10:07pm and I was lucky enough to catch the tail-end of the "Damned If You Do" episode of HOUSE, which I'd never seen. Oh, yeah, and I went with The Brother to a sneak preview of Romero's LAND OF THE DEAD. Hugh Laurie in a turtleneck...yum.

But that's not why you're reading...you want dead people and guts. Okay, here it goes...

SPOILERS!!!

I wasn't going to review FANTASTIC FOUR, mainly because I couldn't get it up enough to care. But I've got some time to kill, so what the hell.

Here's my review: FANTASTIC FOUR doesn't suck all that much.

SPOILERS!!!

Okay, look. It's time to be serious. This isn't a laughing matter.

I don't know if this experiment in terror The Husband and I are engaged in is working out. I mean, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but now that I've lost so much time...we may need to rethink this. It seemed like so much fun at first, but instead it's led to pain and disappointment, anger and sadness, frustration and lost dollars. People have gotten hurt. We've hurt each other, again and again...this wasn't what I signed on for. I knew going in that it would be tough, that we'd have to work together to get through--to be happy. But I can't do it. I can't pretend anymore. I just...can't. I didn't mean for this to happen, for things to turn out the way they have. But at the same time I can't take any of it back, so I can't really say I'm sorry. I don't have any regrets, but I can't keep doing this.

JOLLY PIRATE: MASSACRE AT CUTTER'S COVE was the final straw. No more shitty movies on purpose.

SPOILERS!!!

I know what I promised. No more bad movies. But the box was SO COOL. And the movie starred Zach Galligan from GREMLINS and Bruce Boxleitner from BABYLON 5. And its title cooed LEGIONS OF THE DEAD.

Alas, it was not to be.

Or, as this should alternately be titled:

WHY I COULDN'T LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE.

So this weekend saw The Husband and me in Nashville for The Wedding of The Husband's Best Friend From College and Her Boyfriend. We had the BEST TIME EVER, even though The Car broke down and needed a new oxygen sensor (whatever the hell that is) and I was forced to buy from Target what became my second pair of pants because my other pair were destroyed in an encounter with the Harpeth River. What made the weekend so special was not the awesome wedding, or the wonderful people we met, or the great food...it was the softcore porn we bought on the hotel TV for $11: DANGEROUS SEX GAMES.

SPOILERS!!!

I haven't done one of these in a long while. I am being compelled to write this one by The Husband, because I forced him to see SAW III with me and he is royally pissed about it and told me I had to write a review to make his viewing worth something.

In other words SAW III sucked ass. And The Husband will never let me forget it.

So, as the lights come up....

NO SPOILERS!!!!

Yeah, this movie can't be spoiled. So you'll just have to go and see the awesomeness for yourself.

The Husband and I were pleasantly surprised. DEJA VU IS AWESOME!!!!